It is believed that full-fledged, truly trusting relations with a partner suggest talking on topics that go beyond the discussion of life. And if we are not connected by common interests, then how we create an union in which we will understand and accept each other? However, despite the difference in interests and the lack of deep conversations, our reader considers her marriage to be happy, and her husband, with whom they have been together for 15 years, is the closest person.
Once a friend complained
about my spouse’s silence, and I admit in response that my husband and I did not particularly talk. When asked what exactly we are talking about, I shrugged: “Yes, nothing special”. This made me think about how often we get into the trap of the stereotype: if it seems that we seem to talk about, we begin to doubt – or that person is next to us?
I admit, I also doubted whether my husband and I were in order. Perhaps something in a relationship has become obsolete? I easily come down with people, I have a wide circle of acquaintances, but there are not so many friends. There is one close one, with which we meet infrequently, but we always communicate easily and joyfully, as if we had broken up yesterday. The same in marriage – I do not have a strong need for continuous communication with my husband. And I really appreciate the fact that we can not discuss anything, except for the life of our children, their activities, development, and at the same time understand each other without words.
In this we are very similar. Otherwise, we have completely different interests. The husband is fond of tennis, and I am indifferent to sports. I love books on architecture, but they are not interesting to my husband (either his favorite story). However, we can listen to each other’s stories about what we are now reading.
I do not consider the presence of common interests the key to a successful marriage, and their absence is an indicator that “the family boat crashed on life”. It is very comfortable for me to be near my husband, and I can say with confidence that happiness and comfort in marriage are based on the things of elusive, sometimes understandable only to the partners themselves. The main thing is that we are in harmony with ourselves and we are good with each other. And the fact that we talk so little, it seems to me completely normal.
“The balance of autonomy and community for each pair is individual”
Natalia Artsybasheva, Gestalt therapist
It is believed that a stable and full -fledged union is built on the basis of love, empathy and mutual self -disclosure. Partners in it are able to talk, understand and take into account in everyday life what they learn about another. But there is a flip side: autonomy, compliance with borders, personal space safety. And a happy marriage is possible with the harmonious ratio of these two sides.
In marriage, the balance of care of yourself and the well -being of relations, community and separateness is important. Moreover, over time, conflicts inevitably arise. For example, with the advent of a child: her husband wants to leave, and a pregnant or nursing wife worries and asks not to leave far from her.
The balance of relations is unique for each pair. In this sense, our heroes found their ratio of community and autonomy. Someone may seem unnecessarily distant, but in order to feel like a couple, it is enough for them to discuss the issues of life and raising children. For the rest, they provide each other’s freedom, understanding and respecting the feelings of another.
The question is not in the amount of time spent together, but in its quality. And in the culture of negotiations: are you able to agree
Alas, in our country it was historically so that in many families there was a shortage of personal space, it was not customary to observe and respect. Our heroes have the need for autonomy is equally high, which is very important. Otherwise, this could cause conflicts. Often this happens: one (often wife) requires more conversations, joint activities, and the other strives for more independence.
But the question is not in the amount of time spent together, but in its quality. And in the culture of negotiations: are you able to agree that everyone suits everyone? Do you calmly react to an increase in the distance or there is anxiety, distrust, a feeling of loneliness and abandonment? Can one offer to share my impressions and ask for attention, and the other to agree to this or, most importantly, it is safe to refuse yourself?
There is no absolute value to assess the norm in the issue of proximity. The only criterion is that this suits everyone. A stranger example helps us to realize our characteristics of interaction. Is it close to me next to my partner? Is there enough personal space for him? Such questions are sometimes useful to ask yourself in order to more effectively build a family system where everyone is good.